Gigolo Tony :: All You Need

Is there a musical category that goes beyond “one hit wonder” in terms of cultural relevance? If not I might have to invent it for Gigolo Tony. Even the one hit that he had is a song I’d rather forget, the Miami Bass rap “Smurf Rock.” It has nothing to do with the sub-genre of rap the song comes from. In fact the single “Smurf Rock” was one of the earliest examples of the nascent boom of the sound that would explode 2 Live Crew into the pop mainstream. The song’s hook absolutely annoys the hell out of me though. It alternates between “Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O” and singing song of the Smurf villagers from their TV show. It’s extremely obnoxious.

I won’t hold it against Mr. Anthony Keller for building a career off of that song’s success, no matter how much I despise the hit that launched it. The funny thing is that for better or worse “Smurf Rock” was the only thing I could remember about Tony before I stumbled across “All You Need” on Hot Records. Painfully it appears that Tony also knew that was his sole claim to fame, because he tried to update and re-release the song as “Smurf Rock ’90.” I think that’s our prototype for creating the definition of a “half hit wonder.” If you endlessly recycle your one hit, it’s only worth half as much to the listening audience each time you redo it.

Recycling songs from his past was about all Tony had left by his third album. Before he even signed with Hot Records, before the “Smurf Rock” made him famous, he had a much smaller single called “Hoki Poki” on 4Sight Records. It’s just as corny as you might expect from the title — you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, ’cause that’s what it’s all about. The song may sound familiar to you for a different reason though.

Am I about to say Tag Team ripped off Gigolo Tony? As a matter of fact, yes. The problem is that their usage of “I’m Ready” from Kano (Italo Disco Act) was better than his. His song was a local Miami Bass hit, while Tag Team’s “Whoomp! (There It Is)” was a worldwide sensation. You can argue that Tag Team simply had better timing when their single dropped, but you can just as easily argue that their lyrics are less corny than Tony’s. That’s a low bar given “Whoomp! (There It Is)” is a bit corny itself, but they so easily clear it that you only need to hear “Hoki Poki ’90” to know that Tag Team wins.

Everything about Gigolo Tony is cornball. “Stars” is the worst attempt to remake Gary Numan’s “Cars” I’ve ever heard. I’m pretty sure that you could go to a local karaoke bar and hear an amateur do a better version of it. Interspersing the track with interview snippets in an attempt to prove what a big star Tony is has the exact opposite effect. “Jump in the limo/the girls want to go/to be with the stars/chilling on the top floor.” He couldn’t even rhyme “go” with the abbreviate “flo'” — he said “floor.” This guy is ass.

Arsenio Hall asks him how he and his friends got into rap. Tony’s answer? “When we couldn’t sing.” So why are you singing on “Stars” then? You just contradicted yourself on your own track. I’ve reviewed plenty of rappers who are bad over the years, but very few embrace it to the degree Tony does. I have to give him credit for that if nothing else. Some one hit wonders would try to come back and prove they’ve got more to offer than what they got famous for. Tony goes in exactly the opposite direction and does it with unrepentant gusto. By the time he wants “to rap to you on a serious tip” on “Give Thanks” you’re damn sure he doesn’t have more. He has WAY less.

This song is the rap equivalent of Michael Jordan’s PSA about drugs, except inexplicably more sincere and absurd. That is the admirable strength of Gigolo Tony’s “All You Need.” If you’ve ever in your life felt like the biggest, most hopeless dork imaginable, just listen to a few songs from this record. You’ll suddenly realize you’re way cooler than you thought. This album is inspirational. It will give you the confidence to go ahead in life being exactly who you are, knowing that you could never be a bigger cornball than Anthony Keller. Not even Orville Redenbacher is cornier than Tony.