Steve 'Flash' JuonIt’s not a good look for a rapper when the most famous thing you’ve done is get beat up on somebody else’s talk show. Let me introduce you to Lil Kelpy.
I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I had never heard of this dude a day in my life before he went on No Jumper and called Almighty Suspect (who admittedly I hadn’t heard of either) a “bitch.” I’m not sure what made him think he wouldn’t get punched in the grill for being so obviously disrespectful, especially when their conversation up to that point wasn’t exactly friendly, but he got the smoke whether he wanted it or not. Kelpy might have thought he was a pimp and a gangster, he might have just been portraying himself as one for his rap career, and in the end it didn’t matter which was the case. The story since then has been “Orange County wannabe got his face caved in.” I wanted to see if there was more to Kelpy than this now viral moment.
“Oh, kay, oh, kay
I got the juice like O, J
Like pull up if you want the smoke, mayne
Like pull up cause I like to roll, lames”
I think Suspect could have thrown hands for the song “Ok” off “Streets 101” alone, but for the sake of argument let’s address what Kelpy does right. He’s not an off beat rapper, he’s not disguising his vocals with pitch modulation, and he’s not trying to play 4D chess with his lyrics. I’m not saying any of this makes Lil Kelpy a good rapper. It doesn’t. We’re talking about having the basic minimum to be an emcee. He’s listened to enough rap albums to understand what a rap song should be. That doesn’t mean you have the charisma to get people invested. That doesn’t mean the bars you write aren’t some cringe-worthy bullshit nobody should hear. The track is absolutely nothing. It’s a simple loop with no oomph, no bump, no funk and no heat. In fact “no heat” describes Kelpy well. He raps like he is bored by the process and not at all interested in making music. That’s true. He’s interested in pimping.
“Bitch if you don’t sell pussy how am I gonna get my money?”
Lil Kelpy is trying to tell us “How to Run Game” but in the words of Shawn Carter “we don’t believe you.” It’s not just because he got jumped on No Jumper — though just typing that sentence made me chuckle a bit. It’s because real pimps don’t need to explain their pimping, you feel me? I’m not advocating for making money from sex trafficking, but I am saying that those who do wouldn’t explain it to those who don’t. If pimping could be taught you’d just be creating more competition for yourself by doing it, and nobody’s going to salt their own soil on purpose. The fact Kelpy calls this album “Streets 101” betrays his whole image. He’s advertising it like it’s knowledge you can learn and thus implying that he himself is a student of the game who became a master of this shit. He looks and sound way too young to have any of that wisdom.
“Yeah they weren’t ready for this one”
On “Move Different” Kelpy acts like Boogie2988, talking about how he’s too good for “Arkansas 8s” and wants to fuck some “L.A. 10s.” I think he’s right — I wasn’t ready for this one. With beats that are below average, some very basic rap skills, and a level of entitled misogyny far beyond his 15 seconds of fame, Lil Kelpy is ultimately famous for exactly the reason he should be. It’s not his rapping. It’s not his pimping. It’s calling someone a bitch and getting chin checked in response. If he can turn that into a career God bless but he needs to improve his music to make something out of going viral. Otherwise he’s just going to be answering the same questions about Suspect for the rest of his time in the game. Based on subscriber counts alone Suspect is winning two fights for the price of one.