Steve 'Flash' JuonJealousy and envy are wasteful negative emotions. Although the meaning of the two often gets confused, the easiest way to tell them apart boils down to this — jealousy means you fear someone taking something from you (another person hits on your partner), while envy means you desire what someone else has (you’re the one hitting on someone). Some people will say that envy and greed lead a man to succeed, fueling your desire to work harder to attain the things you want from life. Those same desires can be a bottomless pit you never fill. How much money is enough money? How many beautiful women can you sleep with? How many chains can you wear? At some point enough is never enough. Being chronically unhappy that you don’t have it all and envious of people who seemingly do is a road to ruin.
The truth is that I might just envy Action Bronson a little bit. I know it’s wrong to think that way but the dude’s career sounds like everything a guy could want. He started out as a chef making and eating delicious food every day. Rapping was a side hustle until he broke his leg, at which point he was laid up and couldn’t cook, so he took his passion for hip-hop and made it even bigger than it was for cooking. His natural charisma and penchant for working food references into his bars made him stand out, although for me personally the video game and pro wrestling talk was just as welcome. Take “Salvaje” off “Johann Sebastian Bachlava The Doctor” for example: “Yeah it’s like Rowdy Roddy Piper versus Goldust/hit him with the limo.” “For that cake cake, hit you in the head with the guitar like Honky Tonk did to Jake Snake.” That shit always makes me smile.
If it wasn’t enough that he got his own show on VICE and published a cookbook, Bronson achieved the one thing I might envy the most — he got to be part of a pro wrestling angle and team with “the cold hearted handsome devil” HOOK, son of legendary ECW wrestler Taz. I’ve sat ringside for shows, I’ve been seen on TV by my friends, and I’ve met and taken photos with a lot of wrestling stars for years. Bronson achieved the dream of every kid who jumped off a couch with a flying elbow though — he actually got in the ring and did it in front of millions on TV and didn’t embarrass himself. And if you don’t think he loves the squared circle, you aren’t paying attention to “Johann Sebastian” closely enough. With songs titled “Hogan” and “Citrus Wahoo” (McDaniel) and bars like “Left the headrest wet from all the product in my hair/looking like Shawn Michaels of course” he LOVES this shit.
So yeah, maybe deep down there in my heart where no animosity should dwell, I’m secretly envious of Action Bronson. He’s made delicious food, he’s made sweet (chin) music, and he’s made millions of people smile at his antics in and outside the ring. At the end of the day though I know I should be celebrating and not hating. Bronson has given me nothing but good times for over a decade and he was under no obligation to give anybody jack shit. “Johann Sebastian” is Bronson having fun both on his own and with long time friends like Meyhem Lauren and Young Mexico. So long as he’s making music like “NBA Leather on NBC” with The Alchemist, I’m here for it.
“It’s not my fault I’ve been blessed with a cheat code” quips Bronson. Dead right. Why envy his success? I’m ugly as sin, have two left feet, and if I took a bump in a ring I probably wouldn’t get out of a hospital bed for a month. There’s no point in my envying the things Bronson can do because I can’t do them in a million years. I can’t cook, rap or wrestle like Ariyan Arslani and never will. The one thing I can do is write, which is why I’m going to tell you to listen to “Johann Sebastian,” because Bronson is BACH at it again with more and more hits.