Scuba Chicken :: Slim on Da Rise :: Midget Lover Records
** RapReviews "Back to the Lab" series **
as reviewed by Jordan Selbo

DO NOT BUY THIS ALBUM. Hell, don't even download it, even if it's free and you got tons of hard drive space and nothing better to do. I am now dumber and angrier for having listened to Scuba Chicken (and I didn't even make it past a minute on most songs).

Originally released in 2002, "Slim on Da Rise" is inexplicably being remastered by someone named Daddy Kev and being re-released by Midget Lover Records. I have thought long and hard about who would possibly find any enjoyment out of this bullshit, and the only demographics I can think of are hipsters eager for a fix of ironic consumption, eight-year-old boys eager to hear songs about masturbation and stinky girls, or the comatose, who can't hear anyway. Point blank, this is the worst hip hop I've ever encountered, worse than my early flirtations with Tag Team—yea, that bad.

Scuba Chicken is atrocious in so many facets that it's hard to decide which aspect to shit on first. His flow and delivery are probably the most shocking, except when you realize his subject matter ranges from sticking food in female orifices (from the song appropriately titled "Burrito in that Girls Anus") to juvenile pimp fantasies to incoherent drivel.

This is the best analogy I can conjure up to make you realize the horror of his flow: back in college I organized a rap battle for the cross country team at my small Midwestern college. The night was filled with the kind of ridiculous white-boy spit that only beer and a lack of inhibitions can garner, as Iowans more prone to listen to Cake and Talking Heads than Nas tried their hardest to insult skinny Wisconsinites in flannel. Scuba Chicken's recorded output here is barely on par with my former teammates middling and tortured freestyles. If he actually wrote this bullshit down before recording, I am truly skeptical about the future of the human race.

Here's a sample chorus, actually one of the catchier ones on the record: "Remember the day you said I was gay/ you said 'OK'/ I was like, 'Fuck You!'" (repeat over and over in annoying voice). The worst part about a novelty act like this is that it has no respect for rap culture or its musical output. By taking some of the grossest and most misogynistic signifiers off of BET, Scuba is being both incredibly insensitive and immature but also downright racist. You cannot separate hip hop culture from its Black cultural roots, and so by defacing the whole genre in this way, he is basically shitting on anyone who takes it seriously.

And the very worst part is that I didn't detect even a trace of irony or wink-wink self-awareness, so unless Scuba is certifiably mentally challenged and being exploited by some cruel label executives for his unintentionally funny atrociousness, there ain't no excuse. Once again: DO NOT BUY OR SUPPORT THIS RECORD IN ANY WAY.

It is worth noting that the music at least is functional, albeit standard computer-using geek beats. But it's almost impossible to even notice the tracks behind such absolutely heinous bullshit.

Music Vibes: 4 of 10 Lyric Vibes: 0 of 10 TOTAL Vibes: 1 of 10

Originally posted: April 24, 2007